"It's not supposed to be easy. That's why it feels so fucking good."
I finally came to my senses with the help of a few friends who slapped me around until I let myself see what I was really doing, who I was really hurting.
I'm what I like to call a bit of a people pleaser. I thought for once I'd do what I wanted and not care about anyone else. Looking back, I wasn't doing this for me, I was just being a people pleaser in its most literal sense. I had myself convinced that what I was doing wasn't wrong because of judgmental reasons on my part.
Now I sit here laying in bed. Sleepless nights lead to exhausting days, which lead to countless naps, which in turn come full circle to more sleepless nights. I finally have something other than this shitty mattress to blame for my self diagnosed insomnia.
And now cutting all ties with the situation to ensure I stay moral is what I'm really doing for myself. As much as it sucks right now, I know it's what I need to do to get my life back on track. 25 was a good year for me. I don't want 26 to be the polar opposite. I've got 3 weeks to get my shit together and get my head back in the game.
"I'm not gonna follow my dreams, I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with em later."
-Thomas
Good to know that I'm not alone in this sentiment. Being a people pleaser is definitely mentally exhausting but the thrill you get from it is quite like nothing else and you return to this state of being completely unaware how draining this way of life is. People ask or question "What do you really get out of all this?" and that's just a question you don't feel like answering or explaining because you do all that you do because you feel like it and it makes you yourself feel good.
ReplyDeleteIn your own reality you create for yourself, you say fuck them all but then when you come back to the reality that you actually a part of, you just feel fucked over. It's a treacherous cycle.
Every dream seems like an one night stand and this shit feels good but that's not what you need in the long run.