Swimming In Circles

I went swimming tonight for the first time in months. Last time I swam was with Timmy and I did 160 laps. Tonight I kept it to a mild 64. It was a last minute decision. I needed something to clear my head and swimming usually does just that. Well now I am laying in bed and all I can think about is her. It's been 3 days and I'm still completely in the dark about the entire situation. I took a lot of heat for her Monday and now I'm just waiting to figure out what happens next. I'm getting mixed reports from 3rd party people. I don't want to hear anything from anyone but her. I wanna be there to support her, but I can't because I told myself I wouldn't. I'm surprised I didn't sink tonight. I've felt so heavy hearted the last few days. I haven't had butterflies like this in what seems like forever, but it can probably be calculated to the last time I saw her.

Sent from my iPhone

Bittersweet - (adj) - Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure

Sunday was my 26th birthday. It was filled with family, friends, food, and all around FUN!! I was overwhelmed by how much love I was shown on this day. Little did I know it was just the calm before the storm. I was woken up Monday morning 6 minutes before my alarm was to sound. Abby was scratching at the door to get out. Since I don't like the smell of urine on my already dirty clothes piled on the floor, I jumped up to let her out.  How she gets into my room every morning is still a mystery.  After relieving my own bladder, I hopped back in bed to catch a few more minutes of sleep.  I glanced my phone over to see if any work emails had come through that needed my immediate attention, but none had.  My "messages" icon showed a tiny red circle with a 1 inside it. Someone had texted me while I was sleeping.  Oh, it was Jamie!! I open the message excitedly assuming its one of the occasional "Happy Monday" genre, but boy was I wrong!  She wanted to inform me of a situation that had come to a head the night before, and how it was basically all my fault. Now don't get me wrong, I am partially to blame for the whole situation to begin with... but I did not put down the straw that broke the camel's back.  I had cut all ties over a month prior & even made it a point to completely remove it from my life.  Well apparently my attempt at morality simply threw the situation into an inevitable tail spin which reached ground on MY birthday!!  Jamie was furious with me, others wanted to kill me... and some, quite the opposite. All in all I felt completely empty inside. The night before when I blew out my skewers, or as I like to call them "improvised candles", I made a wish that came true almost immediately.  But what I didn't know was that this wish was going to hurt quite a few people. One whom I care for a great deal.  I didn't write this yesterday because my conscience wasn't clear enough, but today I'm a little more stable.  Right now, I still feel a little anxious about it all. I'm quite in the dark on the details of what all happened, and where everything stands at the moment. Excitement has yet to set in, I'm not quite sure it will. I'm still a little nervous & confused.  I think once the dust settles, I'll have a better understanding.